They arrived on the dais, not particularly familiar with one another, but united by a purpose -- and presumably a more dignified one than cracking on the others like sharp-tongued comics. Last night's 70th Annual Dapper Dan Dinner, after all, encouraged the usual regality, what with the filet dinner, the high-end live auction, the athletes dressed in Dolce.
But, by the time the three honorees -- Joe Paterno, Agnus Berenato and Jerome Bettis -- took turns speaking before the sold-out crowd at the Hilton Pittsburgh, the event had loosened into a free-for-all roast.
Paterno, the 79-year-old Penn State football coach honored with a lifetime achievement award, called Bettis "big and fat;" while speaking, Paterno lifted Bettis' near-empty desert plate and showed it to the laughing crowd. Before then, Berenato -- the Pitt women's basketball coach and Sportswoman of the Year -- had joked that she believed she'd be dead, not coaching, by 79. And by the time Sportsman of the Year Bettis took the podium to close the ceremony ... well, let's just say he'd enjoyed plenty of time to load up on rebuttals.
Such is the variable of these events: the characters connected only by one region suddenly share one room, with odd results. After years of impasse in the Pitt-Penn State football rivalry, Panthers athletic director Jeff Long and Lions' athletic director Tim Curley were finally brought together, albeit only in conversation, by a cocktail-hour table of cheese and prosciutto. Before the event, Paterno posed for pictures with fans and old friends. At an introductory press conference, Berenato -- who guided the Panthers in 2005-06 to a 22-win season -- told of how she had been a church earlier in the day.
When she saw a little lady with a beautiful singing voice, she turned to her son, joking cryptically that she wanted that lady at her funeral.
"At 79," Berenato said, "do I think I'm going to be coaching? No, I hope I'm in Cape May. I hope I'm in Europe. ... But if the university will still have me and I'm happy and I still have passion for it, you know what, God has blessed me well."
That's when Paterno interjected.
"I want to tell you, Agnus," he said. "I'm not a great singer, but I'd be very happy to sing at your funeral."
Paterno, speaking first at the formal event, set the unrefined tone. He approached the podium, resting his hands on opposite sides, and began several minutes of jabs at Bettis, the recently-retired Super Bowl champion running back. Somebody earlier had joked that Bettis, while in high school, looked like a linebacker.
"I didn't even think he'd be a linebacker," Paterno said, voice rising. "I thought he'd be a nose guard."
And on he went, typical Paterno, stringing together stories -- only vaguely rehearsed -- about carousing as a bachelor in Pittsburgh, recruiting high schools who are now senior citizens, always while remembering, again and again, to refire at his favorite target.
"All I know is, this guy I thought would be a nose guard is playing fullback for Notre Dame," Paterno said. "I said to my guys, if that son of a gun gets by the line of scrimmage, the first guy that hits him high, I'm gonna yank him out of the game. But then I looked at another couple of tapes, and I said, you know, he's got pretty good feet. So I said, don't wait for him. I never thought I would ever say that about a big, fat guy."
Bettis listened to the whole 15-minute ordeal, spending most of his time howling, his head held between his thumb and forefinger. When Paterno finished, Bettis -- 45 years younger than the coach, yet already retired -- the running back simply mouthed one word: "Wow."
Bettis, though, had the final word, following an introduction from his father, John. Since arriving in a trade from the Los Angeles Rams 10 years ago, Bettis had grown into a Pittsburgher, he said, displaying the Terrible Towel hidden inside his gray suit. "I wanted to say a lot of thank-yous," he said, following.
And so he began, first with no mention of his new nemesis. He thanked his teammates, those who'd helped him finish his career in Detroit with a Super Bowl title. He thanked the Steelers organization, then Dan Rooney, then Bill Cowher and running backs coach Dick Hoak. He thanked KDKA-TV sports personality Bob Pompeani for helping with the "Jerome Bettis Show" and ushering him into his new career at NBC. Then, he thanked the city of Pittsburgh, and Franco Harris (for advice about handling injuries), NBC ("for giving me a job"), his fiancee ("for saying yes"), his mother and father. He even thanked Paterno, who'd earlier told the story of turning down the Steelers' coaching vacancy -- a position later accepted by Chuck Noll.
"Because if he'd still be coaching," Bettis said, "I wouldn't be here."
Then, he ended the speech -- and the night -- with a final jab.
"I have to save, obviously, the best for last. I've never been a person to really talk about myself, but I have to say thank you to me ..."
Puzzled laughter.
Then the punch line:
"... for not being stupid enough to go to Penn State."
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Pitt women's basketball coach Agnus Berenato and retired Steelers running back Jerome Bettis were honored as the Sportswoman and Sportsman of the Year at the Dapper Dan Charities dinner last night.
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First Published: May 1, 2006, 4:00 a.m.