Robyn Tongel pauses for a moment before talking about her children’s activities.
“When I give you the list of things, it’s probably going to shock you,” she said, laughing.
Eleven-year-old Ellie and 9-year-old Jack are both in the gifted program at their Plum elementary school. In the wintertime, Ellie also participates in the Civic Light Opera Pre-Professional School, gymnastics, travel soccer, various academic teams, plays piano and flute, serves as student government representative and leads worship at church.
Jack wrestles six days a week and plays travel soccer. Both children also have acted professionally in a television commercial for Uncle Charley’s sausages and a print ad for Chevron.
“Some people think, ’I can’t believe you do all this stuff — it’s crazy,’ ” said Mrs. Tongel. “But we are a family and we enjoy all these things together and support each other. I love every minute of it.”
The Tongels are typical of many suburban households.
The over-scheduled child is a topic that has been tackled from books to talk shows to academic studies. Driven in part by aggressive parenting, the narrative goes, children rush from piano lessons to soccer practice to scouting to tutoring — losing their childhood in a rush of scheduled activities.
“Being in activities is good for children — there’s no question about it,” said Abigail Schlesinger, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC and Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic. “That being said, I definitely see 10 percent of kids are in that over-scheduled category.”
But what is over-scheduled for one family isn’t necessarily so for another. Some kids thrive doing 20 hours of activities a week, said Dr. Schlesinger, while others struggle doing half or a quarter of that amount.
To find the right level, she believes the family should listen to cues from the child. “Maybe some parents feel like they’re better parents if they expose their kids to more things,” she said. “You can’t forget that allowing your kid time to just be and figure out what that is is an important component of growing up.”
For Amanda McCreadie of Grove City, it’s a delicate balance. She has four sons and allows each of them to choose one activity. But even limited to one (currently wresting and baseball) she worries about the erosion of family time. “We thought we were doing well because we made them each only pick one activity,” she said. “We didn’t think through that one activity will still create scheduling and transport issues.”
She and her husband do a lot of after-school shuffling —- she’ll sometimes run home to cook dinner in between drop-offs, and the family is rarely home on weekdays to eat at the same time. “We had company on Sunday and that was the first time my dining room table had seen the light of day since before Christmas,” she said in late January. “Family dinner just doesn’t happen.”
For the McCreadie family, it’s worth it. “You can see it for the craziness that it is or you can see if for the fact that your kids are learning something and they’re committing to something,” she said. “My boys love what they’re doing and I wouldn’t take that away even though it would make my life easier.”
Gary Swanson, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with Allegheny Health Network, stressed the importance of children having a significant amount of downtime. “Kids don’t just play in the front yard anymore like they would have 30 years ago,” he said. “It’s now some sort of organized activity.”
Many activities — sports in particular — are more intense than they were decades ago, requiring a year-round commitment at earlier ages. An 8-year-old might be asked to play baseball year-round, said Dr. Swanson, who has navigated these issues with his own nine children. With them, he has tried to limit technology at home, making sure that at least some of their time isn’t polluted with other distractions.
For Mrs. Tongel, she has had to resist requests for her kids to start specializing in some activities year-round. Even so, their schedule is complex.
A typical winter Thursday for the Tongel family goes something like this: Once the school bus arrives at 3:40 p.m., Ellie and her mom eat a quick dinner before they must leave around 4 for Ellie’s CLO class Downtown. Mrs. Tongel’s mother comes over to stay with Jack until her husband, Mike, gets home around 5:15.
Mike and Jack eat, leave at 6 for wrestling practice and return home at 8:30. When Ellie’s CLO class finishes at 7, her mom drives her to Monroeville for gymnastics class from 8 to 9.
“We have got it down to a science on how to juggle this many things,” she said.
Only because she is a stay-at-home mom is this schedule able to work for their family, she says. She makes a point to take care of all errands or meal preparation during the day to free up time for activities and family time in the evenings and on weekends. She also tries to make sure the kids have time to just play outside with friends.
“I want them to have that simple life too,” she said. “I want it to be a balance.”
Anya Sostek: asostek@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1308.
First Published: February 20, 2015, 5:00 a.m.
