I have five rules when it comes to luxury condo living:
• Never leave $80,000 in cash lying around in a tote bag.
• Never leave my handgun in the closet.
• Never shut the door in a policeman’s face after I call 9-1-1.
• Try not to misplace my Rolls-Royce.
• Do not, under any circumstances, throw furniture at a real estate tycoon’s family, even unintentionally and especially if he used to be a member of the Israeli special forces.
I’ll be darned if Antonio Brown didn’t violate all five, if police reports out of Miami are accurate (Brown says they are not).
Where are we, Week 6? Who in their right mind thought the Steelers had a chance to top themselves on the Melodrama Meter after last season?
It’s hardly a lock, but A.B. seems capable of pulling it off all by himself — maybe before Late-Veon shows up, which could happen as early as Monday.
Maybe I should have known. There were signs. Ben Roethlisberger publicly castigated the club for drafting a quarterback. Bell hinted at missing games. Brown abruptly bolted OTA’s (after basically saying Bell should be there) and pre-emptively attacked the media in minicamp.
That last item seemed especially odd, considering that if you’d taken, say, the previous 800 stories written about Brown in this town, approximately 797 of them would be glowingly positive.
I’m beginning to wonder if A.B. was attempting a common strategy among the rich and powerful: Question the media’s motives and credibility when you know negative stories might be headed your way.
It seems to work in other high-profile arenas.
So maybe I missed the signs. But even then, topping last year was going to be impossible, right?
Last year was an all-timer, from the national anthem debacle to Brown attacking a Gatorade cooler (at least he didn’t toss it off the upper deck), to Martavis Bryant demanding a trade, to Roethlisberger shredding Brown on a radio show, to James Harrison forcing his way out of town (and winding up in Electric Brady Land), to Mike Tomlin — the guy who has enabled Brown at every turn — telling the world “We should win it all,” to Mike Mitchell yelling maniacally outside the Jaguars locker room before a playoff game, to Bell skipping most of the walk-through the day before the playoff game, guaranteeing a win the morning of the playoff game and showing up late to the playoff game, to Todd Haley injuring his hip in a bar fight, to Jesse James not surviving the ground, to Marcus Gilbert getting suspended for PEDs, to the entire team getting humiliated by Blake Bortles at Heinz Field. Twice.
And that was just the stuff we knew about.
Yet, as this season approached, general manager Kevin Colbert scoffed at the notion that anything out of the ordinary had occurred.
Drama?
What drama?
“A lot of the stuff — team turmoil and all that nonsense — that wasn’t a concern at all,” Colbert said in August. “Honestly, a lot of that stuff was made into stuff that wasn’t a concern.”
I wonder if he’s concerned now. Call me crazy, but I’m beginning to think two of the Steelers’ best players might not be “singularly focused,” to borrow a Tomlin phrase, on the goal of winning a Super Bowl.
Late-Veon still isn’t here — although I defend his right to look out for his financial well-being — and A.B. has apparently lost his mind (although he found his Rolls-Royce).
So let’s take stock of where, precisely, the Steelers stand on the Melodrama Meter compared to the same time last year.
WEEK 1
2017: Steelers almost lose in Cleveland, just after Bell shows up.
2018: Steelers tie in Cleveland, just after Bell fails to show up — and is eviscerated by his linemen. “Here’s a guy who doesn’t give a damn,” says guard Ramon Foster. Oh, and Roethlisberger injures his elbow. And Bell tweets a monocle emoji immediately after the loss, er, tie.
Advantage: 2018
WEEK 2
2017: Steelers win emotional home opener, their first game at Heinz Field without Dan Rooney.
2018: Steelers give up six touchdown passes to Patrick Mahomes after a week in which Brown threatens to break a reporter’s jaw, eliciting an official statement from team president Art Rooney II, who clarifies, “It is never okay for any employee of the Steelers organization to threaten a member of the media or anyone else for that matter.” Oh, and A.B. throws a sideline tantrum in which he may or may not have hurled an ottoman and two “very large” vases at offensive coordinator Randy Fichtner. Did I mention Bud Dupree snapping back at a social media critic who wondered where he was all game, telling the guy, “At your girl(s) house.”
Advantage: 2018
WEEK 3
2017: Steelers botch plan for national anthem in Chicago and become national lightning rod, leading to hurt feelings in locker room, jersey-burning fans and a bizarre news conference featuring Roethlisberger and tackle Alejandro Villanueva.
2018: A.B. skips work Monday and tweets “trade me” at former team staffer who criticizes him. Roethlisberger is mentioned, not in flattering terms, in Stormy Daniels’ new book. Adam Schefter reports the Steelers are open to trading Bell, and the club barely averts disastrous loss in Tampa Bay.
Advantage: 2017 (narrowly).
WEEK 4
2017: Brown goes nuts on sidelines in Baltimore, Roethlisberger calls him out two days later as a distraction who “messes with all of us” and a bad example for younger players.
2018: Steelers look terrible in home loss to Baltimore. Reports suggest they are now aggressively shopping Bell, who tweets support for injured Seahawks safety Earl Thomas after Thomas flips off his own sideline.
Advantage: 2017.
WEEK 5
2017: Roethlisberger throws five picks in 30-9 home loss to the Jaguars and sarcastically suggests, “Maybe I don’t have it anymore.”
2018: Tomlin hammers officials after big win over Falcons, drawing a $25,000 fine. Earlier in the week, ESPN reports Bell intends to show up in time for Week 8 game against the Browns.
Advantage: Tie (in honor of Browns).
So just like in real life, they're 2-2-1. And that leads us to Week 6. Last year, this was the week Bryant announced he wanted out (“I want mines, period”) and eventually got himself suspended. This year, it’s the week of the A.B.-throws-furniture-toward-toddler story. Even as I type, A.B. has released a statement calling the claims “false.”
Last year, by the time it all ended, guard David DeCastro said, “We’d be a really good reality show.”
This year, they might be an even better one.
Joe Starkey: jstarkey@post-gazetter.com, Twitter: @joestarkey1
First Published: October 11, 2018, 3:00 p.m.