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Morality play: Jesus comes to the toy aisle

Morality play: Jesus comes to the toy aisle

When I was little, I remember Noah's Ark being one of the most popular toys at ... nursery school? Kindergarten? I can't recall anymore, but I can remember the need to take turns. That big boat and its pairs of critters were more fun than the guinea pigs and less likely to pee on you.

   
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When I was a little older, I asked my parents for a Nativity scene. They were a bit surprised, because we were not the most devout family, but they got me a lovely carved and painted wooden set. I loved posing little tableaux, experimenting with offsetting the holy family a bit to one side in the stable to make room for some of the sheep (you know how wool smells when it gets rained on), finding the most artistic orientation for the palm tree, pondering the deep mystery of why there were three kings and only two camels.

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(Did they get lost and have to eat the third camel? Was the third king dropped off by a friend? Did two of them camel pool?)

I went to Sunday School, I went to church, I even sang in the choir. But there was something missing, and now I know what it was: biblical action figures.

Thanks to Wal-Mart, your kids need not be so deprived.

According to a story in USA Today, over 400 Wal-Marts will begin next month stocking action figures and play sets from a company that sells religious toys.

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And these are way cooler than those china angels your grandma gave you that you're not supposed to use to dive-bomb the cat.

Who needs a bird-chested Spider-Man doll -- excuse me, action figure -- in tights when you could be playing with a big, brawny Samson, 13 inches of muscle and blind faith? (Photo: Samson shows Goliath who's the toughest man in the toybox.)

(The Tales of Glory Spirit Warrior Action Figure of Samson looks to have both his eyes, but enterprising boys who want him to act out that final climactic scene with the pillars will surely explore the theatrical makeup possibilities of strawberry jam.)

If you've ever caught your boys, lacking those green plastic Army men, staging a pitched battle on the bedroom floor using your statues of saints from the Catholic bookstore, you may want to pay attention. It's one thing to bury St. Joseph in your yard to sell the house, but finding him in a tree hanging from a makeshift parachute seems disrespectful at best.

Instead, you could buy a Daniel and the Lions' Den figurine set, consisting of 3-inch figures of Daniel, a lion and a section of wall. (A section of wall? When I was a kid, we dreamed of prefab sections of wall. We had to build our own with Legos -- Legos without straw.)

I notice the 17-piece Nativity set has three kings and only ONE camel. On the other hand, it does have two angels and a barrel of hay. You might be able to trade those for one more camel, but probably not two.

The action figures, which are at least 12 inches tall, include talking Jesus, Esther, David, Goliath and Moses. Peter, Paul and Mary are available but sold separately.

But it's the 3-inch figurine sets that concern me. I worry that the Jesus Walks on Water set, consisting of Jesus, Peter and a boat, might precipitate a slight crisis of faith if played with in a bathtub filled with real water.

Also, the Moses and the Ten Plagues set is a bit skimpy. It consists of Moses, Pharaoh and "a bush covered with locusts." Which look to be, relatively speaking, the size of cats. No wonder Pharaoh let the people go.

I guess if you had to pick one plague for a children's play set, locusts are a good choice. The angel of death isn't much fun, and the river of blood would be hard to get out of the carpet.

Noticeably absent are Adam and Eve (fig leaves sold separately), Bathsheba, and a Sodom and Gomorrah figurine set (Lot, a chunk of brimstone and a pillar of salt?), but kids are resourceful and imaginative creatures.

In fact, that's a potential problem. Parents will feel very good about buying these wholesome toys, but kids tend to adapt things to their own nefarious ends. Any pacifist parent who has refused to buy toy guns and watched little boys shoot each other with sticks, salad forks or terrified hamsters knows what I mean.

It's only a matter of time before a startled parent comes out in the yard to find Peter and Paul conducting an impromptu stoning of a scantily clad Blaspheming Barbie, or discovers a little girl on her bedroom floor dressing Esther for her prom date with Ken. In a dune buggy.

And there's going to be a lot of smiting.

As the editor of Toy Wishes magazine told USA Today, "Once children turn 4, parents tend to get them what they want. And right now, kids are asking for Transformers."

It's a shame. What they should really be asking is, "Why are there are never enough camels?"

First Published: July 26, 2007, 6:15 p.m.

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