You finally have a report for me, Fluke?

Yes, Your Magnificence.

It's been ages since we gave you this assignment! What accounts for the delay? Surely you didn't actually have to travel there to gather intelligence on these strange beings!

Oh no, sir, I tapped into what the Earthlings call "television" and also "surfed their Web" to put together my Planetary Profile. These primitive technologies provided information about their physical attributes, customs, strategic defenses and general state of mind.

Then why the delay?

Well, sir, although these technologies are primitive, they are strangely hypnotic. I found myself watching my screens for many Earth-hours on end, forgetting to take notes and fill out my logs, just sitting and snacking. ...

Yes, I see you've grown a sixth stomach there. But your report -- how do our prospects look?

It's what the Earthlings call "a mixed bag," sir. And as they like to put it, would you like the good news or the bad news first?

Let's hear the bad news first. I prefer not to get my hopes up.

Two words, sir: Duct tape.

Duct tape? What's that?

It's a silvery material a lot like your robe, sir, but cut in long strips, and on one side there's a substance they call "adhesive" that makes the strips stick to things. It mends torn objects and contains liquids and holds quite a bit of weight or stress.

Really?!

It even apparently repels biochemical weapons. One Earthling group's Department of Homeland Security has duct tape in the "emergency preparedness kit" it instructs all citizens to have.

Surely that's nothing to stop us!

But sir, these humans are so resilient that they even use the duct tape -- a weapon of last resort, if you will -- to make elaborate dance costumes for a ritual youth celebration called "prom." They have a contest and give something called money for the best duct tape dress. That's the bad news, Your Magnificence -- creatures with such spirit and creativity would not be easily subdued.

But all that mending and fixing with the tape -- they can't accomplish this using just their brain power?

No, sir, and that's part of the "good news." Their brains are, as you speculated, much smaller than ours, but most of them eat as if they were supporting two or three of us! And it seems the more food and other possessions they have, the less they move. This is especially true of the humans with the Homeland Security Department.

Then how do they spend their time?

Well, they spend many hours looking at screens.

What are they watching, Fluke?

Some screens sometimes show products of writing and thinking, but these are not the screens they call "television." These are called personal computers, but the Earthlings do much entertainment with them, even at work.

What non-work things do they watch?

They watch other people talking or playing games or dancing, but they rarely do these things themselves. They watch a lot of what's called "home improvement programming," although I would have to travel there to see if any of them are following these instructions.

What else?

Many hours seem devoted to "nature documentaries," especially those that show other humans unclothed -- at least, I think they're humans -- only these naked ones, they're much smaller around the middle and much bigger in other areas. It's a kind of freak show, I think.

Do they ever move?

It's funny, sir, but the biggest humans with the most screens all seem to have their own personal movers. They sit in them twice a day -- all alone, but right next to each other! And they travel very, very slowly or not at all.

Do they reproduce?

Some of them do. Then they put screens in their personal movers to amuse the littlest offspring. When the little ones get almost as big as their parents, they speak with great authority on many subjects and often correct the older humans. I think this must be because the younger ones have more screens. They use handheld screens and exchange data constantly with each other, even when they're steering their personal movers.

So ... to sum up, Fluke, we have an Earth population that is soft, mostly immobile, highly distracted and led by the young and foolish? Sounds easy and delicious.

But, sir, they have this duct tape. They'll be wrapped in it.

We'll microwave.