As you may know, I am very tough. In the mornings, I beat my chest and make Tarzan-like noises and then sit down for a breakfast of champions -- cereal sprinkled with thumbtacks.

All my friends are tough, too -- they have to be to endure my puns and jokes. They know where they stand with me, usually at some bar or next to the hors d'oeuvres platter at a party.

Of course, I swagger. While I do not punch people to pre-empt them from punching me (Mrs. Henry, who is very tough herself, discourages it), I do give them nasty looks. They know that if they get out of line with me I will give them a good sulking.

I relate to tough people because, while I was not born here, I have adopted American ways. It is said that the meek will inherit the earth. I suppose they will have to inherit it, because they are never going to be elected on a platform of meekness. Not in America.

This explains why Rudy Giuliani seems to be leading the Republican field of presidential candidates. He is a feisty one, that Rudy. He would pick a fight at a Quakers picnic. Hedgehogs see him on TV and feel self-conscious because they feel their own bristles aren't as sharp.

In this way, he has overcome the idea that past pro-choice sympathies, extramarital cuddling and tolerance of gay people made him -- gasp! -- a liberal.

Not to worry. By expressing his belligerent views, Mr. Giuliani is able to make dyspeptic conservatives forget all the other stuff. For them and their talk-show thought controllers, the main thing is to be tough, always tough.

Still, this is fairly amazing for the rest of us. What happened to the gay-bashing so popular with the Republican Party faithful in recent years? What about all their other alleged values that Republicans said they cared about? Will they put aside their favorite prejudices just to worship power at the first church of Rudy Giuliani?

Of course they will. Anything to win. Besides, they understand now that there has been a bit of the old "doth complain too much" syndrome at work with the result that ordinary fellows are afraid to go into men's rooms around the country lest they find conservative preachers and politicians playing happy feet.

(Personally, I don't have to worry about this. You see, I am very tough. Besides, I have long been unattractive to both sexes.)

A new age requires new issues to obsess about. The more Mr. Giuliani talks tough about Iraq and Iran, the better the party base loves it. The whole point of being conservative is to be in a constant state of irritation about something or other -- it doesn't matter what so much.

As a result of his remarkable toughness, neoconservatives are flocking to the Giuliani standard. All the harsh criticism of Iraq hurt their feelings, and now they think they have found their man.

Tough, tough, tough. That's the presidential ticket. The bombing will continue until morale improves.

President Bush is very tough, also. He has a very tough time changing his mind, which has made it mighty tough for the rest of us. Still, we know where we stand with Mr. Bush -- on the other side of anything reasonable.

Mr. Giuliani offers all this and more. True, he won't have that lovable smirk, but he does have a very engaging sneer because he is so tough. As Joe Biden pointed out, the former New York mayor can't say a noun and a verb without mentioning 9/11. Even Mr. Bush can't do that -- but, to be fair, verbs and other grammatical thingamajigs are not Mr. Bush's strong suit.

As I sit back in my toughness chewing a thumbtack over breakfast, I wonder whether all these politicians are really best served by being as tough as I am. I wonder whether it might be wiser to have some Jane running for office who wouldn't see the need of beating her chest and making Tarzan-like noises. Instead, we have Hillary, who is so determined to be a tough guy that she voted for a resolution on Iran that looks like a pretext to go to war.

It seems to me that when everyone is so darn tough and drowning in testosterone, we should really be searching for some candidate who is strong of character and brain and not of mouth, who, just for a change, wants to speak softly and carry a big stick rather than speak loudly and beat people with it.

After all, when it comes to tough, we've been there and done that. Look where it got us.